I wore a helmet for Mardi Gras this year in New Orleans. It was an idea that sparked while walking through my friend’s yard when I spotted her daughter’s helmet lying on the ground. It had a built-in pony face with a tiara, and I thought it would be the perfect safety feature to keep me from getting hit in the head by items (like water bottles) that drunken idiots throw off the balconies on Bourbon Street. I didn’t even have to adjust the chinstrap. It fit like a head glove.
At the Krewe du Vieux celebration, my helmet was a big hit—it actually received a big hit. Zach McGovern, a NYC-based comedian, walked up and pounded my helmet as though I’d just made an epic play at football practice. He’s like 6 feet 4 inches, I’m only 60.75 inches tall, but with my skull still ringing, without skipping a beat, I hurled, “Dude! I’m not a bro, man!” up at him.
Dude? I’m not a bro? Man?
In that instant, I realized what I had done.
I used the words dude, bro, and man to form a complete sentence, and it took no effort. That is what rattled out of my little helmet-pounded brain.
Oh. My. Gawd.
I’m a bro.
I’m a friggin’ bro.
How did this happen? My bro-tastic life flashed before my eyes…
I thought about how I hated dolls as a kid. I caught crawdads in the ditches after a big rain. I squished the crud out of a frog in order to “dissect” it in the name of science. I played “recon” with the other boys that lived in my cul-de-sac where we’d take our toy guns and go into the woods and hunt each other. I joined the football team in high school. (I was the kicker, you guys. I mean, c’mon! I only weighed 100 pounds.) I dated a frat guy in college…a Pike, no less. I can MacGyver my way out of almost any situation. I am pretty shallow when it comes to dating, and I’m not much of a hugger.
Dude! I AM a bro, man!
Since I have come to this realization, I feel it’s best to embrace my bro-ness, and I have probably been unconsciously doing that all along. That’s probably why I’m able to hang out with comedians so often. Comedy is a boys club, but it definitely smells better than the bus coming home from football games. Not much better. But better.
I think it’s also why I am a decently good mom to my two little boys. It’s like I have my own little frat house at home, and man, I love every minute of it. Well, most of the minutes. I don’t enjoy the minutes that I have to scrub dried pee from back behind the toilet. I do enjoy that every day is an adventure that doesn’t involve me having to sit through any dance recitals. I don’t mind getting dirty, and I can throw rocks with the best of them. Actually, I have no idea what I’d do with a girl child. I’d probably raise her like a boy…a boy that doesn’t pee behind the toilet. I might be a bro, but at least I sit down and put all of my pee INSIDE the toilet.
P.S. I finally cleaned my apartment. Hence, the behind the toilet discovery.
Kelly Stone is a sexual health educator and college lecturer who likes to think of her stand-up comedy as “edutainment”. She began performing in 2006 at an open mic in Philadelphia and has been hooked on comedy ever since. She hosts the monthly Hot Mess Comedy Show at Bar 141 in San Marcos, speaks to various universities on many different topics, watches Project Runway, and is still trying to figure out how to keep her boys from smearing Greek yogurt on the furniture.
Follow her on twitter: @funnykelly or help stop her kids when they are trying to run across a busy street. There’s safety in numbers.
Wednesday, May 28, San Marcos Game Night, 8:30 pm. Triple crown, Free
Wednesday, June 11, San Marcos Game Night, 8:30 pm. Triple crown, Free
Wednesday, June 25, San Marcos Game Night, 8:30 pm. Triple crown, Free
Friday, June 27, Hot Mess Comedy Show, 8:30 pm, Bar 141, $5