I was sitting at the breakfast table with my kids, and we were discussing how much my kindergartener hates school and thinks his teacher doesn’t like him. As much as I wanted to rant about the problems with our educational system and NCLB and standardized testing and the lack of health and physical education and the de-emphasis on creativity and independent thinking, I tried to keep our conversation positive. I used the phrase “on the bright side” in my attempt to help my child see the situation a little more optimistically. He said, “yeah, yeah, but I want to talk about the dark side.”
After hearing “the dark side”, most people immediately make Luke-I-am-your-father-type references, but not me. I am not a Star Wars kind of a gal. *gasp* It’s not one of my pop culture go-tos.
I am, however, a HUGE X-Files and Fringe fan, and I believe there are a lot of crazy things happening in the universe that are not based on coincidence. Like Fox Mulder, I know that the truth is out there. And sometimes, in order to seek out the truth, you have to explore the dark side.
My kid was right. We needed talk about the dark side. I needed to know the truth.
I needed to know the truth about a strange photo I found on my phone while scrolling through my camera roll the night before. It was a photo that looked as though a small hand was squeezing a larva. Not a grub. Not a maggot or worm larva. It was sort of like something from that movie Tremors with Kevin Bacon. It looked like those kind of monsters from Tremors but in larva form.
“What is this thing on my phone?” I asked as I slid the photo across the table to him. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “That’s not a thing, momma. That’s my penis.”
At this point, I sighed deeply and held back an exasperated laugh because he’d confirmed the truth that had been lingering in the shadows of my brain. “Why would you take a picture of yourself like that?” His response: “To be hilarious!”
Now, you are all probably reading this while clasping your hand over your mouth, simultaneously shaking your head at the screen. That’s okay. That is a normal reaction! It’s the same reaction I had when I discovered the creepy pic.
On the bright side, I think I figured out my six-degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. On the dark side, I think my kid might have used my phone to set up an online dating profile. On the bright side, I’m glad to know he’s got a high self-esteem. On the dark side, I clearly need to put a password lock on my phone.
Kelly Stone is a sexual health educator and college lecturer who likes to think of her stand-up comedy as “edutainment”. She began performing in 2006 at an open mic in Philadelphia and has been hooked on comedy ever since. She hosts the monthly Hot Mess Comedy Show at Bar 141 in San Marcos, speaks to various universities about anything they’ll pay her to talk about, watches Project Runway, and is still trying to figure out how to keep her boys from smearing Greek yogurt on the furniture.
Follow her on twitter: @funnykelly or help stop her kids when they are trying to run across a busy street. There’s safety in numbers.
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Wednesday, March 19, San Marcos Game Night, 8:30 pm, Triple Crown, Free
Friday, March, 28, Hot Mess Comedy Show, 8:30 pm, Bar 141, $5