Like all cool moms (wink, wink), I have a truly incredible tattoo. I have a few other ones that are not so incredible, but they are the tattoos that I earned. My first inking occurred in Mexico during my senior class trip. A daisy on my toe, it looked more like a small dagger. My second was after I’d been married for a year, and on a whim, we ran down to 6th street in Austin. I randomly got a Leo symbol, but it more resembles a fat glowing serpent with leprosy. #necktattoo #classy

I received my third tat at a dude’s house in West Philadelphia—yes, the same West Philly from the Fresh Prince of Bellaire—while drinking wine and being bumped into by his 2 year old kid named after a large gun. It’s really bad. Really bad. But it’s the tattoo I earned, and I feel oddly resolute to keep it in it’s original form forever (because I love the story behind it). I mean, it was my first time riding the trolly, and that meant a lot to me.

I then read a story about Britney Spears and how terrible her tattoos were and how they were basically a rubber stamp collection around her body, bringing me to the realization that…OMG…I’m just as tacky as Britney! This awareness coincided with my hair regrowth period since I shaved my entire head months BEFORE she had done it. Everyone thought I was emulating her nonetheless.

If for no other reason than to NOT be like Britney Spears, I knew I wanted to get a big tattoo. I wanted a tattoo that I didn’t pick off the wall or print off the internet. I wanted a tattoo that was actually art created by an actual artist on my skin canvas. I just needed to think of something that I was passionate about and that I would enjoy having on my body for eternity.

After living in Philly and not being able to jump in the Schuylkill River for fear of disintegration, I decided I wanted to have the San Marcos River tattooed on me so that I could take it with me wherever I went. I then discovered that we have a tattooing legend right here in town!

After working as a tattoo artist for 24 years in NYC, Andrea Elston has received accolades in several magazines, and her celebrity clients include Willie Nelson and Ozzy Osbourne (and now, Kelly Stone). She moved here to SMTX to relax, take life a bit slower, and raise horses, and she did brilliant work on my arm. I love, love, love my tattoo.

Now, I’ve got that itch. I want another one, but I’m having a hard time thinking about something I love as much as the river and want to have on me for infinity. Right now, the only thing that might outweigh my river obsession is my love affair with cheese. Mmmm…cheese! Gosh, I love cheese. I always have at least 5 different cheeses in my fridge at all times, but I can’t get a cheese platter tattooed up my back. That’s just silly.

Until I can figure out something I’m more passionate about than cheese, I’m clearly not ready for a new tattoo, and that makes me sad. However, I’m comforted by the fact that whenever I am ready with whatever I decide to get, Andrea will make it look very gouda.

**I told y’all this was cheesy!**

Kelly Stone is a sexual health educator and college lecturer who likes to think of her stand-up comedy as “edutainment”. She began performing in 2006 at an open mic in Philadelphia and has been hooked on comedy ever since. She hosts the monthly Hot Mess Comedy Show at Bar 141 in San Marcos, speaks to various universities on many different topics, watches Project Runway, and is still trying to figure out how to keep her boys from smearing Greek yogurt on the furniture.

Follow her on twitter: @funnykelly or help stop her kids when they are trying to run across a busy street. There’s safety in numbers.

Show Dates:

Tuesdays, Geeks Who Drink Pub Quiz, 8:00 pm, Tap Room, Free

Friday, February 21, Live at Coldtowne, 10:00 pm, Coldtowne, $5 BYOB

Friday, February 21, Late Slot, 11:00 pm, Velveeta Room, $5

Friday, February 28, Hot Mess Comedy Show, 8:00 pm, Bar 141, $5

Wednesday, March 5, San Marcos Game Night, 8:30 pm, Triple Crown, Free

Wednesday, March 19, San Marcos Game Night, 8:30 pm, Triple Crown, Free

Friday, March, 28, Hot Mess Comedy Show, 8:30 pm, Bar 141, $5